As I wrap up this letter, I end with the question that started my faith journey: Is there a God?

During those first few months of my journey, I grappled with the problem of evil. How can a loving God allow bad things to happen to good people? Why did my father-in-law pass away when his children were living at home, and his wife desperately needed him? He was nothing but good. Did he deserve it? Did his family deserve it? Why does God help the rich American child find a lost toy after earnest prayer while a child in a war-torn country dies in a far-off land whose prayers are unanswered? Why does God allow vicious and brutal dictators to rule with an iron fist? What about the countless horrors enacted daily since the beginning of time?

Though I knew all of the primary answers to my questions, my answers fell flat this time. I remember feeling that a god who did nothing to help us was equivalent to no god at all.

Then something happened. In a completely unrelated setting, I heard a phrase that would change my life forever.

This innocuous phrase, given by someone who did not know my internal struggle, single-handedly opened the window to belief again in my agnostic heart. I realized that I was treating this life as the end of all existence. I’m not sure how long I had internalized atheism, but it had been there for some time. With that atheistic mindset, if this life is all that there is, then truly, any amount of suffering and wrong is unjust. On the other hand, if this life is not the end of our story, then there has to be more to the story. If there is a loving God, but there is so much evil in the world, then it follows that He likely gives us space to make our own choices. Even if our choices harm others. If not, the malevolent dictators would never take power, and rapists would not exist. People would not neglect or harm one another.

In Alma 14, Alma and Amulek witness the death by fire of faithful women and children at the hands of bad people. Amulek begs Alma to use God’s power to deliver the faithful and innocent women and children from death.

“But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.” (Emphasis added) – Alma 14:11

I did not believe all at once, but for the first time in a while, belief in God made sense. If mortality is a blip on the eternal timetable, then our suffering here on earth would be but a small moment. For God to be just and merciful, a reward must be given so that every man, woman, and child, no matter their toil on earth, would agree that it was all worth it. Each person would have to consent to experience this unjust mortal existence, knowing that their anguish may be intolerable.

If there truly is a loving God, and this life is not the end, then somehow, the wrongs and injustices of mortality must be made right. But how can God make the problem of evil right? The answer hit me all at once as if I never knew - Jesus Christ. If an atoning Messiah would make all suffering, wrong, heartache, and even death right, then that would be good news indeed. If the gospel story is true, then death is not the worst thing that can happen to us.

Something became manifestly clear as I sorted these thoughts out in my mind. I was recreating the story of the gospel of Jesus Christ taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from the ashes of my disbelief. Not only could I finally see how I could believe in God again, but I saw that the restoration provided the best possible explanation for how it all worked.

The Scale of Belief

Though I had sorted out how I could believe, that did not mean I did believe quite yet. That is when I started exploring the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with fresh eyes. I spent countless hours reading and listening to critics and apologists alike. Learning church history from the faithful and critical narratives. Listening to the stories of members of the Church who left and former members who returned. I went down every rabbit hole I could find. I learned the good, bad, and ugly of previous church policies. I asked countless hard questions and left myself completely open to light and truth.

With time, I discovered something. I could never prove that the Church of Jesus Christ is true or false. Negatives lurked around the corner, no matter how much positive evidence I found. Likewise, when I learned some unflattering aspects of the restoration, a logical counter-explanation presented itself. Eventually, my scale of belief vs. disbelief felt about 50/50.

I realized I had to make a decision. I had to believe in something. Whether I believed or did not believe, either was a leap of faith. In due time, I decided that I would believe.

Giving up on the “I know” statements I was accustomed to in exchange for “I believe” declarations was incredibly liberating. The gospel that I knew so well became new and exhilarating to me. My scale has shifted over the years, but I have never regretted my decision to become a believing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I do not have every answer to every one of my questions. However, I can say this much with a degree of certainty: something special happened between 1820 and 1845. It was easy to come to that conclusion for all of the reasons listed in this letter and many more.

Most importantly, I have come to have a personal relationship with God that I cannot adequately understand. I am baffled that the God of the universe can communicate with me. In those quiet moments when I seek Him in prayer, and He responds, I am awe-struck. How can He, the God above all, listen to my cares and wants? How is it that He, the highest and holiest one, listens to me and answers my prayers? I do not know, but I am amazed that he does.

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

– T.S. ELIOT (“Little Gidding,” Four Quartets, 1943)

Footnotes

1. flyart. “I wish there was an omnipotent god.” Reddit, February 14, 2024, https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/1ar5u12/i_wish_there_was_an_omnipotent_god/ ↩

2. TheyLiedConvert1980. Response to “Does anyone else want God?” Reddit, June 2^nd, 2024, https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/1d6mkd6/does_anyone_else_want_god/ ↩